Torn

Fiction and Art by Anonymous

Content Warning: Abuse

If you told me to, I would.

Our relationship requires little to no thinking and I love that.

All I have to do is follow your lead.

Our relationship requires devotion and I’m good at that.

I’m okay with this because I truly believe that I owe myself to you.

So, is it too much to ask for a favor?

Can you save me from this grim end?

I remember when I was first introduced to you. I was so touched that I cried tears of joy, sadness, contempt, and anger simultaneously. Relief washed over me. I couldn’t believe someone such as yourself would open your arms up to me. I was elated. 

I remember the first time I went to you with a concern I had about my parents. You told me to forgive. That was so liberating for me. I stopped putting pressure on myself to make people better from that young age. I stopped telling people how to love me and happily received what others were willing to give me. I stopped being angry about what was happening to me. 

I remember the first time I went to you with a concern I had about my partner. You told me to forgive and spread love. What a beautiful thing. I stopped praying for a sanctuary and made one for myself in this relationship. It no longer matters to me that I try to avoid her presence when she gets home. I don’t think of all the reasons why I act guarded around her. I stopped desperately trying to leave and accepted my fate, trusting you fully. I stopped depending on others for an answer and came only to you.

I keep you in mind always, so why why why did it have to end this way? Maybe it’s because what that stranger told me yesterday was true. I couldn’t handle the truth so he cursed me or something. 

The day of our encounter, I was walking through the park with Souchi. She appreciates all the time outside of the house that we get and it’s great we live nearby such a beautiful and lively space that is dog-friendly. As we walked amongst Palo Verde trees and ground squirrel burrows, I thought of what I was going to tell you that night about my partner’s recent blow-up. It was about you again. They say I spend too much time in my prayer room when they’re home, but they know that’s the only place they grant me any privacy. I admit I am guilty of this. All I have is this closet-sized room dedicated to my faith. And I know that Souchi can tell that not everything is right at the house. Does she understand that you exist for beings like us? You make me forget my worries and keep a smile on my face. I pray for Souchi always and for you to do the same for her that you do for me. She deserves it. Regardless of the recent argument, I had a feeling that I had much to discuss with you as soon as my partner came home that day.

It was during our walk back home that I saw someone coming towards us on the opposite side of the road. There was something abrupt and hostile about his presence. He walked angrily. It was hard to figure out which direction he was going next because of this. His blurry figure became clearer the closer he got, which was a lot faster than I expected. The road was also clear of traffic, so I had an even better view of this man. The way he carried himself puzzled me to the point that I had failed to realize that Souchi was now very close behind me, and had stopped moving. How odd. I could feel her snout nudging me behind my knees. I bent over to pet her, but she yelped when I made contact with her head and started shaking. She had never acted this way before.

Looking at her with worry, my head snapped back up when I thought of the stranger who was walking in our direction. I looked up and saw him clear as day, the distance between us having closed without my notice. Black worn sneakers, baggy blue sweatpants, a stained white tee with a black jacket over it. Stopped in the middle of the sidewalk across the street from Souchi and me. No longer walking with pent-up aggression and now completely still. When our eyes met, I felt an alarm ring in my head, but my body was not able to catch onto this or react appropriately in time. He was staring right at me in what I can only describe as an intimidating manner. And yet I stood there as well, Souchi sitting and whining directly behind my legs. I understood why she was doing this now. I thought to myself, was it me he was looking to confront? The answer was staring me straight in the face.

He took a step closer to us and was standing on the road now. I watched his every movement like my life depended on it. Souchi was on guard but terrified and I knew that if anything were to happen it would be up to me to deal with it. I surveyed his build once more, hesitant to stop making eye contact with him. 

HANDS ARE IN HIS POCKETS. When did that happen? Those jacket pockets are huge, what could be in there? So many things, oh my. He’s smiling at me now, what is it he knows?

I couldn’t control the thoughts and images racing in my mind in a way that reminded me of when I was younger. Yes, exactly! I felt small. He took his left hand out of his jacket pocket, empty. Palms towards the sky, I could see he had nothing to hide. He started taking his jacket off now, his left hand uncovering his right shoulder very slowly. I quickly realized his white shirt was sleeveless and his skin… my God, what was wrong with his skin?! How can flesh resemble mold? I was more perplexed at this point than intimidated. He touched his right shoulder and I felt a tingling sensation on my own at the exact same moment. It shocked me so much I let go of Souchi and she took the opportunity to run off. I was alone now.

He tapped his shoulder three more times and I felt a pain within my shoulder rather than the initial tingling on the surface. He laughed as my eyes widened in genuine fear. I couldn’t believe what he was doing to me, but what he said next still brings me close to an anxiety attack. “Who do I remind you of? Who do you so often share your pain with?” He laughed again, then stared at me with a blank expression. I could tell he had more to say. He gripped his shoulder, causing me to fall to my knees. I couldn’t even soothe my own injury, since I could not see it, and when I tried to touch my shoulder it burned wherever I made contact.

“There’s nothing you can do about this. I know that’s what you tell yourself about everything you go through. All the people you are closest to look down on you, so you end up doing the same. You’re pathetic.” His expression quickly changed to anger once again and suddenly he began to charge at me. I got up from the ground and ran as fast as I could back to my house. 

I could see Souchi from a distance, waiting impatiently for someone to open the front door for her. I was relieved when I was able to do so. I couldn’t bring myself to look back and face the stranger again, scared he might cause me unbearable pain without even having to touch me again. When Souchi and I were safe inside, I wasted no time and sped into the prayer room. I had to rid my mind of these self-deprecating thoughts that were causing my faith to stagger off into the depths while bringing my trauma to the forefront. I spent the rest of the night in the prayer room.

The next day, my partner was banging on the door of my sacred place. Screaming at me, “Who do you think you are leaving me and Souchi alone all night?!” She didn’t even realize that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I stayed up all night wondering about exactly this. I could hear her footsteps as she stormed upstairs. Then, stomping from directly above me and more incoherent screams from my partner. She brought my attention to the ceiling, but what kept it there was this dark stain I didn’t remember being there. I stood up to take a closer look and quickly realized it was mold. 

Mold? Moldy like the flesh on his shoulder. I never bring any water into this space so I thought, how odd. My partner eventually got quiet and I could hear Souchi whining at my door. Once I heard the front door open and close, I decided to let her in. To my surprise, I could not open the door. How strange. I used as much force as I could muster in such a small space and still, I was trapped. I looked around, beginning to panic. I started to see spots of mold all over the walls, not just on the ceiling anymore. I saw spots of mold even when I closed my eyes. I saw spots of mold on my own skin. I don’t know what’s happening but I can sense that this is the end for me. I sit back down and begin to pray once again.

Dear ___,

Make me whole again, please.

Our relationship is all that’s left of me. If you can’t,

Let me go, please.

Don’t make me suffer any longer.