or how I studied sloppy top
Article by Anonymous Art by Riley Diehl
“The Gluck Gluck 9000” is no ordinary podcast episode. Alex Cooper motivates you to attack the dick like you’re alone in a desert and it’s the only water for 100 miles. She gives you step by step directions of where every moving part should go, and it feels like you’re training for the Olympics or studying for your final, and any information you retain will bring you closer to success.
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been curious about the idea of a penis, the intimacy of sucking a dick, the confusion of putting it in your mouth, since maybe 8th grade. Girls talk about it all the time, with their eyes, with the length they create between their hands after they first see a dick. I mean, as fucked up as it sounds, with the details provided to me by my friends, it was almost like I had experienced it already.
I was going to hangout with my Priddy crush for the first time, and I needed to have an arsenal for where the night could take us. Scared of intimacy, sex, even kissing, for my entire life but always wishing I could just do it, I realized this was finally my chance. I had never put in the work to actually know what to do. I mean, you put it in your mouth? And make sure your teeth don’t scrape it? Definitely do not bite it. Surely it has to be more complex than this.
There was only one person for this job: my esteemed dick sucking friend. Face down ass up on my Loomis floor freshman year was the vibe for this Friday afternoon. Laid out on the floor with cylindrical bottles of perfume and Call Her Daddy serenading us with tips and inspiration in the background, I was destined for greatness.
Then the doubt kicked in. Of course I had learned the way to swirl the tongue, practiced and continuously asked questions about the correctness of my technique. But if I didn’t do it right, I could never live down the shame — women are just expected to know how to do these things. I mean, look at the great lengths I went to know this particular thing. Screw my chemistry lab preparation due on Monday, I needed to know the life skill of giving dome for this Friday night. And it was about to all come crashing down. There were so many expectations I was choking on that I couldn’t even conceptualize the choking down I was intending to do.
These expectations always feel obstructing. Not just for dick sucking, but for sex in general. Constantly wondering about the pleasure I can award to a man, questioning the likeability of myself if the sex fails. Because when you’re first getting to know someone, if the sex fails, your relationship fails. I mean, at least that’s what I’ve been taught and would assume. How could it not? If someone doesn’t really know you and you’re just being invited over for pleasure and that doesn’t get delivered, you no longer have a purpose (and yeah basically all of this was going through my head as Alex Cooper continued to explain the placement of the hands and mouth at the same time). My meticulous memorization had faltered and I was just sprawled out on the rug looking at the popcorn ceiling and puking out my fears. What if I gag? What if my jaw locks? What if I look stupid? What if he’s unimpressed and loses all interest in me? How do I even get in the position for this to happen?
I couldn’t keep stuffing my mouth with the perfume bottle anymore. I couldn’t pay attention to Alex Cooper. I was going to fail and my first-week fling would hate me. We were just staring up at the ceiling, trying to make ourselves feel better about it all, and in the process, it kind of worked. It helps to know that you’re not alone in wondering how much attention you should be giving the tip. Or more seriously, know that you’re not alone in your fear of being vulnerable, of being judged, of not meeting men’s expectations. My previous inquiries of panic came to a point of irrelevance when the fear I felt transitioned into joy and comfort. The women surrounding me would never care if I knew how to fondle balls. The women surrounding me didn’t judge my worth based on my retention of Alex Cooper’s “Gluck Gluck 9000.” The women around me were there to laugh with me and be there whether I was a dome demon or not.
That dick was never sucked. By the end of my lesson, I forgot what it was even for.
So if Call Her Daddy can’t provide you all the life skills for success, take some of mine. Lay out on your shitty dorm floor, queue up a sensual and explicit podcast, and start deep throating a perfume bottle. That’s when you’ll feel supported. That’s when you'll experience the true orgasm of life, laughing and being absurdly stupid and vulnerable with your female friends.