“Call the Counseling Center,” I wrote on my to-do list in purple pen, under “Grocery shopping,” “Job search,” and “Clean room.” The four words sat at the bottom, no line drawn through them. I’ll call them tomorrow became my refrain. After more tomorrows than I could count and the attempted suicide of a friend, I found myself in my RLC’s office, telling a near-stranger the whirlwind of emotions and panic that occupied my thoughts.
Looking back on that day, almost a year ago now, I can’t remember the specifics of anything I said in that office. All I remember is the question: “Do you want to see a counselor about this?” and my affirmative response. He said, “Okay, let’s go,” got up from his desk immediately, and walked me to the student health center.
Though I wish my introduction to counseling had occurred under different circumstances, I desperately needed the push. I had spent the previous summer experiencing frequent panic attacks and building anxiety, without the vocabulary to put a name to the feeling that caused difficulty breathing and created a pit in my stomach. I hardly told anyone what I was going through, mostly because I didn’t understand for myself. The trauma of someone in my life attempting suicide led me to realize my own preexisting needs for counseling. Within 10 minutes of leaving my RLC’s office, I was in the back room of the counseling center filling out preliminary paperwork. 15 minutes later, I sat in an armchair in my first-ever counseling appointment, confiding in a stranger.
Mental health has always been a topic I discuss with hesitation. Whenever I have a counseling appointment on campus, I provide a variety of similar, not quite truthful explanations for where I am going: a doctor’s appointment, a meeting, or some other obligation. I have become increasingly comfortable discussing my mental health struggles with those close to me, but I still have difficulty being honest with people I don’t know as well. No one I have told has responded with anything but positivity and support, but the fear of confessing that I deal with anxiety on a daily basis holds me back from fully opening up to the people around me.
———
“Can I ask you something?” someone asks, unnamed not for anonymity, but because I have had this conversation countless times. “It’s fine if it’s too personal of a question, but have you seen anyone at the Counseling Center?”
For months, I believed that my frequent panic attacks and anxiety were something I was dealing with/going through/forced to face, until regular treatment and the introduction of medication made me realize that I did not always have to feel that way; the symptoms were temporary/eradicable. Beginning medication heightened my awareness of my mental health struggles, the orange-yellow Walgreens pill bottle reminding me that my anxiety has now become something palpable. I am progressing away from the period of hiding it behind closed doors.
“Yeah, I have,” I tell people every time. “I’ve had really great experiences going there.”
I used to assume that the Counseling Center’s services were common knowledge, but not all students seem to know about or take advantage of on-campus resources. Colorado College’s Counseling Center provides students with six free counseling sessions, and these sessions reset at the beginning of every academic year. If students take advantage of these each year, they have 24 free sessions throughout their time at CC. After students use these up, counseling sessions may still be free depending on their insurance policy (CC health insurance covers counseling fees) or available at a significantly lower rate than off-campus services. If students are on non-CC insurance plans, counseling is $40 per session at CC versus an average of $150 per session off campus. The Counseling Center also has a scholarship fund available to students who either cannot afford the cost of counseling sessions, or who do not wish to inform their parents that they see a counselor.
Yet the Counseling Center doesn’t meet all students’ needs. One CC student, when unsatisfied with her experiences at CC’s Counseling Center, decided to look elsewhere for professional services. When she saw counselors at Boettcher, she felt as though they treated her like a stereotype: “shy, anxious, and possibly a stoner.” She believed the counselors she visited worked based off assumptions, and she felt treated as such. One counselor told her that she needed to meet more people and join clubs, without really listening to the root of her problems. For this student, it only took a handful of subpar visits before she decided to switch to an off-campus center, where she feels her counselor makes a genuine effort to understand her. However, given the price, this is not feasible for all CC students.
When talking to peers on campus, she has heard generally negative feedback about the Counseling Center—yet are the majority of people’s experiences negative? Or is it simply more common to hear critiques of CC’s mental health services rather than praise?
Despite a negative perception of the Counseling Center circulating around campus, over 700 CC students visited the center during the 2017-18 academic year for a total of 2,800 appointments. Counseling Center reports showed that the majority of these students only went once, yet some went as many as 20-30 times. Among students who used CC’s counseling services, the average number of sessions per student was between five and eight, which is similar to the national average of counseling utilization (about five sessions).
I spoke with Bill Dove, the director of CC’s Counseling Center and a counselor at CC for over 30 years, about the negative associations surrounding the Counseling Center and the ways in which the center has evolved over the years. Dove agrees that a stigma still exists, yet he has seen it dramatically decrease over the years as student utilization of the Counseling Center has increased and parents and peers become more accepting of their search for mental health treatment. However, he still sees the stigma existing among certain groups, such as male athletes.
CC has taken action against this stigma by bringing a psychologist, sports psychologist, and nutritionist once a week to the athletic training room to provide mental health and wellness services to athletes. Leah Veldhuisen, a senior on the cross country team, talked with me about these services and the benefits of having them available specifically for athletes at no cost. These services are only available to NCAA athletes, often addressing mental health issues within specific sports, along with general nutrition issues. Veldhuisen said the appointment slots are relatively short at 30 minutes; however, they still provide a valuable service to student athletes.
If students are not satisfied with any of CC’s counseling services, the Counseling Center provides a list of off-campus counseling resources for students who require more intensive mental health treatment than CC can provide, or who simply wish to seek treatment off-campus. According to Dove, the Counseling Center frequently revises this list, which includes many places within walking distance of campus. As for on-campus services, there are currently nine counselors on staff, five of whom are full-time, in addition to a psychiatrist and a mental health physician’s assistant. In attempts to increase diversity amongst staff and best serve the needs of the student population, Boettcher employs one LGBTQ counselor, three black counselors, and one Indigenous counselor.
Dove also brought up some of the Counseling Center’s issues, such as difficulty with appointment availability. Due to the high demand of counseling services, counselors at CC typically are only able to see students every other week, which may not be ideal for students who require more frequent care. Dove encourages students to try out multiple counselors to determine who is the best fit, yet he reported that the largest number of students who use the Counseling Center see one counselor, don’t connect, and don’t return. However, the Counseling Center’s return rate is still higher than the national average, potentially due to the accessibility and low price of the center.
———
When speaking with Monica Black, a senior who has used the Counseling Center since her first year, she told me she has had overall positive experiences with her treatment. She was unsatisfied with the first counselor she saw at the beginning of freshman year, and didn’t go back until a friend encouraged her to return second semester. The second time around, she connected well with two different counselors who helped her in different ways. Prior to coming to CC, Black saw multiple counselors in high school, yet prefers the counseling services she has received on campus. She believes some pros of the Counseling Center are the convenience of being able to go on campus, the flexibility of switching between counselors, and the fact that CC vets therapists to ensure that their values align with the student body. She discussed how counselors at CC won’t be homophobic, anti-premarital sex, etc., which may be an issue at off-campus centers in Colorado Springs or elsewhere.
Despite having overall positive experiences at CC’s Counseling Center, Black feels like it is not built for people who have chronic mental illnesses because of the difficulty booking recurring, regular appointments. CC’s Counseling Center is often used by students in crises, which is beneficial for people who need access to counseling services in brief, high-stress moments, but not as helpful for students who need regular, long-term services.
Black is open about her experience with mental health and counseling because she feels that being open allows her friends to fully understand her. Over the years, friends have texted her about going to the Counseling Center because they know she has experience using their services. She believes there is no reason to be ashamed or afraid of mental health issues, and doesn’t hold back in talking about her journey.
Though Black didn’t feel uncomfortable discussing mental health issues, a stigma around talking about mental health still exists in the student body. In the Healthy Minds survey conducted by the Colorado College Wellness Resource Center in 2018, about 77 percent of surveyed students strongly agreed, agreed, or somewhat agreed that they sometimes keep their mental illness a secret. This survey received over 700 student responses, and while the surveyed students made up over a third of the student body, the responses may not be entirely representative of the CC student body. However, the responses received are still valuable in examining mental health on campus.
About 60 percent of respondents agreed that they needed help for emotional or mental health problems in some capacity during the past 12 months. At the time the survey was conducted, 42 percent of survey participants were currently receiving counseling or therapy, either at CC or off campus.
The statistics from the Healthy Minds survey and Dove’s reports on 2017-18 Counseling Center utilization show that over a third of the student body has visited the Counseling Center at least once in the past year. This statistic doesn’t include students studying abroad or using off-campus services. Additionally, over half of survey respondents felt as if they were struggling in some way with their mental health. According to the Healthy Minds results, my own experiences, and the experiences of people I have spoken with, many students don’t openly discuss their mental illnesses.
While students may feel that a stigma exists surrounding mental health, and perhaps hide their own struggles for that reason, about 97 percent of surveyed students disagree with the statement “I would think less of a person who has received mental health treatment.” About 98 percent of surveyed students agreed that they would “willingly accept someone who has received mental health treatment as a close friend.” There is a disconnect between students’ perception of mental health issues and the student body’s overall attitude toward those who deal with mental illnesses.
“Are you sick?” an acquaintance asks me when he sees me in Boettcher’s waiting room. I’m not sure. I have memorized the fields on the counseling sign-in sheet to the point where I can fill in the blanks in less than thirty seconds; I have sat in the same stuffed armchair in my counselor’s office every other week for the past year; I have swallowed a 5-milligram pill every day for the past five months. I accept my truth.
“I’m here for counseling.”