Article by Stella Epstein Art by Talia Cardin
The fridge light is dim
It makes me squint into the darkness
I know what there used to be
It is never this dark in the dorm
Someone has a light on
Or my alarm clock illuminates the floor
At home, the darkness is lit only by memory
I remember the floorboards
Where they squeak and how
But I am now afraid my memory is flawed
From being gone
Home has changed
Brother has glasses now
And Dad has started yoga
Mom calls me
So I know the changes happen
But I do not remember them
My life back home
Is beyond the light of the fridge
That life is out there somewhere
I cannot always see
If I use my phone to see that life
I will disrupt the sanctity of the night
So I keep the darkness
And I may fall
Over new people back home
Changes I did not know
But in the light,
I see my life here
The intimacy of seeing her get ready for the night
Seeing her undo the day
I know her
First her hair,
Then her clothes
Finally, the jewelry
Then she is someone only I know
Because this is the inside version
Where she laughs loudly and lets herself be silly
This scares me
Because she knows me
Would be akin to her loving me
So my knowing her
Must become the same
The intimacy of letting me see her
When she lets me read her tarot (Three of Cups, The Lovers, The Wheel of Fortune)
And I work to let her see me
In those moments,
I discover parts of myself I didn't know
Her sight highlights new nooks
That I couldn't see by the fridge
I want to have both
Life at home
Where everything is familiar
And life here
Where I find something different every day
This is a balancing act
Which I always perform
The dishes I stack to bring to the kitchen
Finding something new in the familiar
And something familiar in the new
I carry out the old snack plates
Then find new ones
That I’ll eat in the fridge light