One Direction Affection
Loving Liam and the Music That Shaped Me
Article by Kylie Haney, art by Alex Wollinka
It was August 29, 2014. Liam’s birthday. I had traveled to Chicago to see One Direction for the first time. As the lights went out, my body came alive. I started screaming, crying, and shaking. My mind went numb and all I could focus on were the five boys walking onto the stage.
The Cambridge Dictionary defines obsession as “the control of one’s thoughts by a continuous, powerful idea or feeling, or the idea or feeling itself.” For me, obsession is visceral and unrelenting; true obsession consumes and ignites you. It’s a compulsive infatuation that never truly disappears, but rather morphs into various forms. I had numerous phases before finding my passion for music and musical artists. It all started when I bought One Direction’s Take Me Home album. I don’t know why I bought it in the first place – I had vowed that I would never like One Direction because I didn’t want to be labeled as another girl obsessed with a boyband. Still, I bought the CD, listened, and fell in love. It began with me being able to discern their voices, then I fell down the rabbit hole of watching videos on YouTube–music videos, interviews, fan-made content. After that, I didn’t stand a chance at resisting their appeal.
The “One Direction Infection” took over all of me. They consumed my thoughts constantly. I could tell you the smallest detail about them. Any time I heard a song lyric, dopamine rushed through me. If I heard one of their names, my head spun around to find the source. My teachers started forgetting my real name because I wrote “Kylie Payne” on every assignment. I still have a hall pass that says, “Mrs. Payne to [room].” When I found out Zayn had left One Direction, my teacher had to send me to the bathroom to cry. I quit track and made a shrine in my room because I couldn’t handle the heartbreak. I cried on the 25th of each month for 8 months straight.
One Direction dominated every aspect of my life. Any miniscule criticism of my boys was a direct attack on me and my existence. Now, my obsession looks different, but still looms large. I have the lyrics “all these little things…” from One Direction’s song “Little Things” tattooed on my body, because while my world may not revolve around those boys in the same way, the impact they had on me will last forever. They were my role models, inspiration, and motivation at an incredibly formative stage of my life. Now, music remains one of the biggest parts of my life, with my favorite artists being Harry Styles and Taylor Swift. My heart and soul.
Of course, my love for Harry is somewhat residual from my One Direction obsession. But I don’t just adore him for his 1D days or his beautiful face; I love and appreciate his music and the life lessons he has taught me. He was one of my biggest role models at a key developmental stage and has helped shape much of my personality and many of my values. He has taught me how to be outgoing and compassionate and how to be respectable yet also embrace my goofiness. He has taught me how to love and to “Treat People With Kindness.” Most importantly, he has taught me to be myself and value those around me.
I connect with Taylor on a different level; not only have I grown up with her, but my life experiences have aligned with hers– I have experienced her “eras” with her. I was at my rock bottom when Reputation came out and found true love for the first time as Lover was released. To find someone so relatable who can articulate my thoughts and feelings so well is indescribable. It’s almost unbelievable how I relate to every line of “Fifteen.” Each song of hers has the power to transport me to a particular memory or time period… singing songs from Red in the backseat of my grandma’s car; crying to “Last Kiss” while eating ice cream when I experienced what I thought was my first heartbreak; the butterflies in my stomach while listening to “Delicate” when I had a new crush and found a way out of the darkness; feeling the insanity of love she describes in “Don’t Blame Me”; the sense of peace I felt in listening to “invisible string” and understanding that everything happens for a reason.
I could chronicle my life in a book of Taylor’s songs and lyrics. The best part is that none of these songs and their associated memories are static; as I gain new experiences, some songs can transform in personal meaning and invoke entirely new feelings. Even the songs I don’t relate to allow me to imagine different situations, and sometimes make me hopeful that one day I will experience their significance.
Many people don’t understand. They think you are just crazy, though I prefer to think of it as passion. Passion and obsession are not bad things, especially when channeled towards doing good. As I always remind my mom, I could be addicted to things that are much worse. Addicted is another good descriptor – I simply cannot get enough. You could lock me in a dark room for 10 years with nothing but music and I would be content. Why? It’s something about the way it makes me feel. There’s a song for every emotion or situation that can help me process my feelings and show me that I’m not alone, even though it might feel that way. Music is there for me when no one else is; its melody surrounds and embraces me. Music literally relieves my pain, both emotionally and physically. It strikes a chord deep within me, resonating with my entire being.