To Alicia Granados
The sounds that hold us together
Article by Auna McConnaughey Art by Isabvella Hageman
Mason Ramsey played on the stereo. The floorboards bounced and the pictures swayed with each thrust of your hips. The words belted from the back of your throat, your fist shooting up, singing into the creases of your hand, as the music hit the walls. My words followed yours. It wasn’t long before my hips were possessed by the power of your movement, and I too was shaking the very house we danced in. The door was shut, I was beside your bed. We were enclosed in the safety of our wholeness, lying in the comfort of each other. Your warmth bled out of every bend of your body. It covered all the cold spots that ached on my own. Unaware of what the room would later hold for you, I promised you that I would move in the ways you did, freely.
The sun was setting over the copper rocks, falling down and kissing our rosy cheeks. Snow tumbled from the now dark clouds. The wind whipped snowflakes against our cotton sweatshirts and rested on our shoulders, carrying the weight of secrets secured tightly within us. It was the unspoken that lifted us higher, above the spitting clouds. We soared up in the stars that twinkled brighter than we could understand, marking the outlines of our bodies in the constellations. We jumped, reaching for the tops of the outstretched rocks, our shirts floating up to cover our frozen faces. You grabbed my hand and planted a single kiss on the left side of my face. It burned into my numb cheek, like lightning hitting the corners of the earth and coming back to sear your love on me. I promised you, then, that I would be electric, beams coming out of all the cracks within me.
Sounds radioed out from the stereo and held us together. The music lulled on, and heartbreak bounced within our chests. Each beat stung, clinging tightly to the fractures that tore us apart. Our music began to surround us; it held us tightly and wouldn’t release its grasps until we belted out a word. The speakers boomed next to us as we drifted from place to place. The wheels kept turning and the music got louder. We sat side by side, our asses glued to the seats. Your hand shot out the window, air running across the top of it, dancing between your fingertips. The rocks towered above us. The car shook and bounced as our heads hit the roof. As our bodies found the rhythm of each song, you told me that my music is what you loved most about me. One playlist, stripping us down to our bare bones, revealing all that was stuck within. We found the ache in the lyrics, and it screwed us tightly together. There was no budging, that would mean releasing and forgetting. Instead, we stayed stuck to one another with heads swaying in and out of the car window. The tires screeching, carving our existence into the pavement. I discovered a playlist you made for me, my preferred. In it, you and me. In that moment, tears seeped deep within my skin, promising music would carry you with it, with me.
Our legs laid intertwined on top of your bed. Stillness echoed within the bedroom walls and only the small drone of our voices could be heard. We tried to stay quiet, to ensure the secrets released from our lips wouldn’t ring through the hallways. Our minds were racing, running through each thought we swore we would never share, yet here, they came spilling out. You picked up each word and held it next to your heart. The creases beside your lips deepened as you smiled each time you recognized yourself in the remarks filling the room. Medications were tucked in your drawers, and I didn’t know what they were attempting to heal. To you, the world was gray, and would only begin to radiate reflections of light when they took effect. Around the room explosions of gray took shape, tinting all corners of the space between us. The color returned when you assured me it was working, that you weren’t falling down, but beginning to stand. I promised you that when I saw dullness creeping in from the edges of my existence, I would find pockets of color to tuck them into.
From a distance, your eyes burned a hole in my own. I was guarded by the corner, waiting for you to come around. As you passed, your eyes remained ahead. My voice was low as I called your name. It burned the back of my throat and naturally my arms reached forward to pull you into my embrace. Yet, instead you forgot the familiarity in my face, as I forgot yours. My arms released their position and slapped the sides of my thighs. As I shifted my feet backwards, yours continued forward. I wanted to know all the things that had changed, as the breeze had picked up into wind and blown away all the time, distancing us. I was reminded of the comfort your arms once gave me. You understood the aching that burned me, igniting into flames. Your flames danced with my own, and our tears became one, putting one another out. Yet, here, there was no expulsion of the fire; yours danced right by my own. My head jerked down, and my eyes found the tips of my toes. As you brushed by, your scent rushed next to me. I got entangled in its closeness. I found myself back in your bed, the car, the couch. Your snoring echoing through the basement, your laugh leaking out of the bedroom window, you came out of every dark place, spilling all over. I promised you, no matter where we were, you were warmth, you were home.
I was pissing in the grocery store bathroom. With the sunset creeping over the building and reaching out over the parking lot. I found my friends huddled around a single phone. The light shone so brightly on their faces and highlighted the creases of sorrow. The sunset collapsed on my body and hugged me. It covered me completely and drenched me in the colors that I couldn’t pay much attention to. Shopping carts hit against each other as they were dragged to the other end of the parking lot. Sliding doors squeaked as they opened and shut for passersby. I found nothing in that grocery store. Instead, I stood motionless on the white line drawn to separate the parking spots. Instead of kisses, tears burned into my face and the sunset released its grasp on me, escaping above all that was below. On the pavement littered with pieces of my being, promises were infinite and nonexistent.