Once upon a time, I won a sex-ed trivia Kahoot! and earned a $75 Seductions gift card. I did all the research (took the Bellesa “What’s Your Vibe” quiz six times) and bought an Evolved Bunny Buddy in purple, my favorite color.
Imagine a purple alien dick with two little antennae that vibrate in 10 different speeds and patterns, with a nice little grip handle instead of balls. Pretty sweet stuff.
Now, I don’t have that much sex, but I’ve done some stuff. I was pretty well versed in over-the-underwear masturbation techniques, but I was ready to move into something more advanced. I frequently talk the talk, and I wanted to walk the walk. And since I had also just bought a porn subscription, I felt I had to get my money’s worth.
On my first night with my new purchase, I showered, got under the covers, logged into my $3 porn+ account and got to work. I had a mission to accomplish, and if you’re thinking that’s the wrong attitude for a pleasurable experience, you’d be right. My body rejected that Bunny like Elmer Fudd. It simply would not fit. But this isn’t some kind of monster-cock dildo. It’s incredibly average in size.
I went to sleep frustrated, too tired to address the problem.
The next few times I got it on with the Bunny, I stuck to those quivering ears, sending their vibrations down to my toes. But I’m stubborn and I was determined to send it down my rabbit hole.
The opportunity presented itself soon after: my roommates went away for block break and left me an empty house. But I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes as last time.
On the big day, I went to Walgreens to buy lube. I honestly would’ve bought a rabbit’s foot for luck if they had it.
After a nice dinner with some wine, I showered and treated myself to a little back patio marijuana. The cool air was piquing my nipples’ interest, and I knew it was time to head toward the main event.
I pulled up the sliding pay scale porn, clicked over to “Stories” (because who can orgasm without investment in the narrative?) and eased into it. Knowing I was home alone, I didn’t even plug in headphones and just let it strum my drum like the Energizer bunny. When I was sufficiently warmed up, I took out the Astroglide and took a breath.
This is the part where the story—and I—should climax.
Alas, it still did not fit.
So, for this Touch Issue, I submit to you reader, a tale of a Bunny Buddy and an unfulfilled, still horny body.
