Out of Reach
Losing a Part of Me
Article by Julia Nichols, art by Patil Khakhamian
March 5
I think this will be good. or be very bad. Either way it will be on paper. The words won’t have to nest themselves in my mind anymore. Maybe this will free up space!
oh dear
okay
I don’t know how I would like to do this. Do I tell you about my day? I would much rather talk about us. But I don’t know what to say.
We didn’t see a lot of each other today. I feel really conflicted right now and I’m sorry. I want to be selfish but I don’t know what that means. Is selfish making you hurt like I did? Is it moving on and shutting you out? Is it keeping you when I should let you go?
I thought that it would be okay after Friday when we hung out. For a moment it felt the same. But one moment can’t be worth it. Can it?
My day was fine. How was yours?
Write back soon.
someday?
If you ever read any of these.
Love,
Julia
March 6
Today was kind of awful. You really hurt me yesterday and I don’t even know why because I feel somewhat over it like it was petty and small and stupid and you explained what you meant but I’m still feeling really hurt. I think that it was just the tipping point for me. Or maybe it was the trigger for something I have been holding back for a long time.
I’m sorry I avoided you today. I was mad.
Some things that I wanted to tell you but didn’t:
I wish that day I would have said no. I wish I asked to stay what we were.
Love,
Julia
March 7
You’re the type of person to give someone space. Maybe you think I want space. But I don’t. I want you to fix it. But you don’t know how and I’m not willing to tell you. Or let you.
You still feel like home to me. This feeling is probably why I have to stay away. It’s probably what I’m supposed to get rid of.
I don’t want to end on such a dramatic note so I will say that I really miss you. I hope you aren’t angry with me. I don’t want to be the friends that say “we used to be really close but then this happened.” I want to come back eventually.
Love,
Julia
March 8
Today we talked. And it felt okay.
Love,
Julia
March 10
Fuck you.
I’m sorry.
Love,
Julia
March 17
I feel like we’re each other’s experiments. We’ve tested each other to our limits and we’re coming out okay. I’m proud of that.
Love,
Julia
May 16
On Sunday I finally told you how I felt. I finally released all of my emotions onto you and asked the questions I never thought I would. And I made you cry. And it made me feel good and bad at the same time. Because I knew I had hurt you or moved you enough to cry like I had done so many times in the past. I felt like you finally understood.
Love,
Julia
June 20
I thought about you a lot lately. And by lately I mean this afternoon/evening. I’m thinking a lot about you and listening to my epilogue playlist. Just the songs that don’t make me too sad though.
I miss you.
Those may not be the right words…I miss the old us.
I just wanted to say I miss you.
see you tomorrow
Love,
Julia
July 20
I just took a couple hits. I didn’t even mean to or want to it just seemed like an impulse.
I’m too much of a little fucking bitch to be a mentally healthy person and I’m just watching myself be fucking stupid and then thinking that doing something even more fucking stupid will somehow magically make me wise and healthy and fucking whatever.
I should probably talk no typrwejgiorwafjkewa
whatever you get what I mean
fuck
okay I should go I need to clear my head.
Love,
Julia
September 18
I am missing someone right now
and though we all feel it differently
I think everyone is missing someone right now.
I miss [him]. He was my one-sided love and best friend forever and shoulder to cry on and crush from afar. And he messed up. And I messed up. And I miss him.
What does it truly mean to miss someone? What does it mean to say I miss you? I miss us? I miss that, then, there?
I think that it is us saying that we have put part of ourselves into what we miss. We feel as though a part of us is gone because we have put part of our hearts or identity into whatever we miss. We have embedded a part of our minds into the missed object and now that it has become part of our memory, anything relevant to it includes the missed object. And new experiences without the missed object feel incomplete.
But there has to be something else to the feeling of missing something. Because if everything that someone misses can be reached, why would anyone miss anything at all? There has to be an aspect of longing for something that cannot be reached. The feeling that there is a hole, an opening that has not been filled, or a chapter that has not been finished but cannot be finished because the ending is out of reach. It is someone that will not come back. It is something that cannot be returned.
I think it must also include a wanting for something more. Completing a book series is not the same thing as missing the books. It’s a sense of being unfinished, of wanting more but not being able to have it. And this sense of wanting more is triggered by experiences and memories that the mind has tailored around this missed thing. It is going to the place that you and the love of your life always talked about but drifted apart before you could. It is the conversation you need to have to move on but can’t because the person won’t talk to you. It is the feeling of closure that is being taken away before you’re ready to let go.
I think that is what it means to miss someone.
at least that’s what it means to me.
October 14
I just reread our texts and I feel like I’ve lost a soulmate
November 18
It’s sad girl hours right now
And it’s because I’m watching Her
And I watched it with you
The day we talked
The first time we talked
And I’m sad because today I was thinking
About prom and slow dancing with you and then I realized
I never thought about whether I was moving
Or where I should step next
Or what direction to go
Or what foot to lean on or if I was moving at all or just standing and talking to you
And that made me sad because I realized how natural we were. I was just with you and I didn’t have to think about anything else.
December 1
Hello happiness.
Hello joy.
It’s been a while since I felt you.
Tonight I am euphoric.
December 15
Was it all worth it?
Yes.
In every language, in every word, in every interpretation, in every action, in every thought, in every moment, in every feeling possible, and in every degree
December 14 (of the next year)
I look at you and I see myself.
I see the stars.
I see my pain, my history, my smile, my laugh, my future. my best friend.
May 4
I think when I cried that night you said goodbye I wasn’t crying because you were leaving. It was because a part of me knew that you would drift away. I knew our conversations would change. We wouldn’t update each other on all the stupid little things that shaped our relationship into something special. And now I feel alone and conflicted because I want what’s best for you. But I always hoped that you would come back to me.
You made me feel like I meant something to another person.
June 1
You called. You came over. we laughed. And it felt like we were still there. The laughter and happiness traveled between us and tied us together.
Today
Thank you.
Love,Julia