Clayton Bessire

SOSS x Cipher Jamboard

Thoughts on Touch

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WHO/WHAT TAUGHT YOU TO FEEL GOOD?

* hiking/working out, feeling my body move

* one night stands (no pressure = freedom)

* my binder

* queer community at cc

* Relations at CC and the vibrator i won from their raffle!

* queer friends having queer conversations

* work (when it feels good)

* my shower head

* parts of porn focused on the clit

* Myself by buying a vibrator

* talking about it !

* disability justice!

* when i learned how to say what i like!

* my mom telling me sex was supposed to feel good

* FEMMES

* Saying no and being respected in that

* the first person i really loved

* my first big CRUSH

* friends !

* learning to throw away my bras

* parts of porn that are lowkey awkward and make me feel a little closer to the actors

* Telling my story and being validated

* the internet

* pleasure activism <3

* the first scenes in the l word

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DESCRIBE HOW HORNY FEELS PHYSICALLY

* validated

* anxious, lustful, tight, overwhelmed, focused

* so distracting

^!!!

*Like putting your hand in sand and letting it go through your fingertips

*wanting to be naked

* dreamlike

* desires

* sweaty

^yes

* something scary/but exciting

* all the time

* Her leg between my thighs

* wet

* vibrations of your whole body

* like a warm hug thats also electric

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WHAT TOUCHES YOU/WHAT IS TOUCHING TO YOU? (physical, emotional, sexual touch)

* playing with my clit

* putting on makeup and feeling in my skin

* using she/they

* rain

* head on my shoulder

* her fingers/her tongue/her body

* NOT BEING MISGENDERED

* his fingers

* humidity and kudzu!

* her touch

* music

* its cheesy but roses

* big big hugs!!

* touching my hair

* @gramparents

* kissing cuties

* moving my hand up his thigh or him moving his hand up mine

* reflecting on a relationship i had with someone much older, nonsexual but v ambiguous

* queer people holding hands

* being called sir

* when someone describes me accurately

* swimming in a lake

* going outside and sitting in silence

* when someone is reminded of me

* going to virtual events with my grandma <3

* when my mother sends me pictures of the sky at dusk

* eye contact (can be so sexual)

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what is your euphoria?

* dancing!!!!!! while drunk

* falling in love with the label of disability

* Labeling myself as gay

* sitting outside under the sun and having no responsibilities

* wanting to be and being productive

* a good fire

* Making money from my creative outlet and having people like what I make

* feeling included

* When I get really interested in a topic and get to tell my loved ones all about it

* after working out in a ~cute~ fit

* not being manic

* loving my body (only happens occasionally, but always really exciting)

* long hugs

* that flow state when everything somehow just clicks/makes sense/is good

* flat chest !

* medication

* wearing a big colorful headband for the first time since i was 14

* any slow burn lovers book

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WHAT/WHO DO YOU WANT?

* def to have an overwhelming crush / become infatuated with someone else / to be in awe of them… this year got me feeling pretty lonely

^and for them to like u back (or at least for me)

* Realizing I’m gay

* myself

^hard to feel sometimes but big respect

* respect, being valued and deemed as important

* chemistry between someone

* a hot sweaty stranger in a club/party/concert

* boys :P

* dick

* my crush that i always see on campus

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describe the relationship between your desires and your actions (how does the way you like to be touched relate to the way you like to touch)

* i like to give head more than i like receiving it but maybe thats cos guys can’t get me off as good as myself or my vibe

* my vibrator = my desires + my actions

* I like being the top in a dom way but whenI’m being touched in a very conservative and vanilla (for lack of a better word) way

* I dont like being touched but i like touching her how she wants to be touched

* like please grab my ass

* deepthroating is fun because its so easy to make them cum

* scared to initiate touch/be vulnerable but always grateful when someone else does… learning how to get over this lol

* whispers & breath in my ears

* TOP

* trying to be a major dom, failing, being goofy, having fun w it

* submissive dominant (i can’t explain it but both at the same time)

* i feel strongly and everything is big but like to touch how my partner wants to be touched

* always touching people how I want to be I guess sometimes I should just tell them what I want

* sex in weird places!

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WHAT/WHO DO YOU WANT TO TOUCH/FEEL?

* the sweaty walls of my middle school during a dance that haunts my dreams

* all of my friends i haven’t seen in so long

* Last January/February in 2020

* the hand rails on a bus, I want to rise on a busy busy bus with so many people

* hands

* the soil, i want to repot my plants

* ice water

* my fidgets that help me concentrate as a adhd/disabled person

* tongues!!

* all of my friends w whom ive never been able to have physically intimate relationships

* i want to dance w someone and put my hands around their waist :’)

* sweaty strangers

* The younger versions of my cousins and myself, or at least be able to go back to that body I was in, and that time and space when we were together

* your belt loops

* I want to touch the time. I want to crawl around in it and linger and be help by it

* I also want to be able to like physically touch/inhabit time… like be present with it in that way??

* sand

* MOSS

* a nice butt!

* The feeling that the book “song of Achilles” gave me

* all of my friends

* okay but sometimes dick

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WHAT IS THE LACK OF HORNY/TOUCH?

* a friendship breakup

* having withdrawal after forgetting to take my meds

* unwanted attention

* being misgendered

* the feeling i had my first time having sex… w/ a man i didn’t know :(

* period cramps

* quarantined without my vibrator

* realizing i am manic

* instagram posts that don’t get likes (ik I shouldn’t care but I do)

* older man making a gross comment to my friend at the pool. literally disgusting!!!!!

* bad habits

* realizing people are talking about me and not in a nice way

* the R word ! makes me want to go into a ball and leave this universe

* being in a fight over long distance

* when you’re feeling yourself & your fit but no one says anything affirming LOL

* self judgement

* people talking to me when i dont want to talk

* the word “should”, “should have”

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HOW DO YOU BALANCE verbal AND nonverbal TOUCH/COMMUNICATION?

* a verbal yes with eye contact is so hot

* look for enthusiasm

* phone sex, when good, is really good

* checking in!

* i don’t like hugs to talking is more of my love language in a way

* sexii eye contact… and checking in if it doesn’t feel reciprocal in any way!

* verbal communication is hard to initiate sometimes

* i love friendships that are based in mutual presence rather than conversation

^true - always nice when u feel so comfortable to be in silence w/ someone else !!

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Who politicized the power of you feeling good?

* adrienne maree brown

* validation and queer podcasts

* no queer role models

* Flower art that is obviously a vulva

* my mom lmao uh oh

* Peggy Orenstein (author of girls and sex)

* Vibrators

* Daria from that 90s cartoon

* dr kumar lmao

* Candace Owens

* attentive partners

* instagram sex education femmes

* intersectional feminism

* being disabled, me being happy is political

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What kind of touch makes you feel grounded in your body

* yummy?

* back rubs

* someone grabbing my MF waist!!!!!

* swimming in a lake and holding your breath underwater

* walking in my combat boots :)

* hands on my waist

* walking barefoot :P

* ASMR

* tight hugs after i cry

* playing with my hair

* Grass

* hugs from grandma

* i feel grounded when dick is inside me lol

* also being fingered (when it’s good)

* fidgeting

* i dont know

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WHAT MAKES YOU HORNY FOR LIFE/WHAT TURNS YOU ON THT ISN’T SEXUAL?

* tiktoks that go into depth on obscure things

* when they empty their pockets … you know they’re ~settling in~

* seeing my little spider plant babies growing under their big ole spider parent

* when a US team wins in the olympics

* SUNSHINE

* when i take my meds

* making a pretty meal

* puppies…? cute agression LOL

* feeling confident in a bomb outfit

* Rain

* standing in freezing water (esp a river) for a long while really connects me to the essence of my being lol

* when i meet other disabled people and feel less alone

* Well my roommate made brownies today and it makes me so grateful for life and people

* car rides with the window down blasting music

* Doing my makeup

* a breazy morning afternoon

* when i eat with friends

* weed

* the ocean

*shrooms

* accessibility!!!!!!!!!!!!

* trader joes flowers

Lettitor

Dear reader, 

This, our final issue of Cipher for the uniquely strange and often awful 2020-2021 school year, wasn’t supposed to be called Touch. In fact, we voted almost unanimously that the theme should be Horny. Those who have done some digging through the archives lamented that Cipher used to be quite a bit sexier, publishing everything from editors’ diary pages to an Ask Amy style relationship advice column to detailed accounts of the sexual activities of bonobos (an article by Brittin Alfred from 2009’s Climax issue that we’ve republished here). We wanted to capture this sense of nostalgia and fun in a year where pandemic-related isolation has made things hornier for an awful lot of people. But we soon realized that maybe horniness was too narrow, that what we were feeling and wanted to explore was more nebulous, more serious: a general longing for touch in all of its forms. We want to touch the people we love and so many we lost, complete strangers, spaces and surfaces we took for granted. 

We hope that you see —and feel, even from afar— this longing reflected in the contributions to this issue. Some of the pieces embody the horny humor we had originally envisioned, such as an anonymous writers’ vignette about a brand new Bunny vibrator, or a sometimes funny, mostly creepy night at a London pub to which Logan Smith so vividly transports us. Others explore touch in vastly different forms—take two of the 2021 winners of the Adelaide Bender Reville Prize in Creative Nonfiction, Skye Guindon and Tia Vierling, for instance. Skye details a personal and profound experience of a body in deep pain; Tia explores the ethics and implications of donating parts of one’s body to others, starting with pieces of hair.  Another anonymous contributor writes of a pink jockstrap as a window into his history, identity, and home; Lauren Hecht sits with the agony of being unable to express her overwhelming love for her abuela through touch, one last time. And finally, in collaboration with the brilliant people of Colorado College SOSS (follow their work here), we bring you a virtual brainstorm of our collective thoughts on touch and their November Body Image Zine. 

These pieces are beautiful, vulnerable, eclectic. Compiling the Touch Issue felt, even more than usual, like piecing together windows into our community. Maybe it’s because these pieces came in so many different forms from so many different places, maybe because working from Zoom rectangles always feels a bit disjointed, maybe it’s because, in many ways, editing Cipher is like carefully collaging with precious materials. I have learned so much from the parts and the whole, from the experience of reaching across distances great and small to piece together our publication. So in this spirit, I’d like to end with another messy compilation of thoughts that are not my own— what the Cipher staff has most recently touched or been touched by (defined, as always, broadly): 

  • My laptop keyboard but that feels like a cop out, before that was a soap dispenser

  • My friends— I’ve been giving them lots of hugs these days

  • Myself

  • Domino’s garlic parmesan bread bites

  • Today I touched the earth, the soil, the sun. I repotted my plants and sat with the world and the air in all its beauty and glorious sublimity

Thank you as always to our readers for reading, our writers and artists for your beautiful work, and our staff for your constant care and dedication. As much as I wish we could hold physical copies of our magazine, sing karaoke in the same space, share gel pens and keyboards and takeout containers, I am truly touched by you all. 

Still kinda horny, 
Emma and the Cipher staff